


Holidays

by papercutdoctor



Category: Quid Pro Euro
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:29:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28316049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/papercutdoctor/pseuds/papercutdoctor
Summary: We're nearly at the end of 1995. A year for the history books! But what's next for the EU when we leave this decade, this century, and this thousandry? In this series, we’re going to find out. Today: Holidays.





	Holidays

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic was written by me, but you are free to imagine how it would have sounded if Felix Trench had recorded it and Zachary Fortais-Gomm had produced it.

The Mechanisms and Function of the European Union Going Forward into the 21st Century or Quid Pro Euro? - This is a European Videos Production.

We're nearly at the end of 1995. A year for the history books! But what's next for the EU when we leave this decade, this century, and this thousandry? In this series, we’re going to find out. Today: Holidays.

In the European Union, there’s a lot to celebrate! Births. Birthdays. Deaths, if the deceased was a cranky billionaire. Beginnings and endings offer each European citizen a moment to reflect on what has come before and what will come next. Just like we do in this series! But before we can grab our handkerchiefs and wave goodbye to the ship 1995 as it sails over the horizon, first we have to celebrate a few more… holidays!

Here we see a man in a red suit running across the rooftops of Huntington, West-Virginia, carrying a large bag full of Christmas presents. Is it him? No, silly! That’s not him. That’s only Santa Claus. Santa Claus was named for the legendary gift-giver who brings presents to the children of the Netherlands, Belgium, and a number of former Dutch colonies: Sinterklaas. Sinterklaas was named for the Greek bishop and saint: St Nicholas of Myra.

There is Santa now, getting into his sleigh pulled by his nine flying reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and little Rudolph with his shining red nose. Santa’s reindeer are named for one of the Founding Fathers of the European Union: Jean Monnet!

But why is Father Christmas in the United States? Remember, even though they are called the united states, the United States are outside the union. This means that the poor children of these United States cannot benefit from the many advantages of being in the European Union, such as increased job opportunities, allies against outside aggressors, freedom of swimming, and The Industrial Revolution 2.

However, Santa knows that the children of the United States still deserve a gift for Christmas. Even if they had been old enough to vote, they could not have helped the fact that they are not in the EU. After all, they are not only outside the union, but also outside Europe. 

Here we see the children of the United States, waking up on Christmas morning, anticipation brightening their little faces. There’s an extra present for them to unwrap this year! All of their expectations will be surpassed when they’ll reach into their stockings and pull out one of the European Union’s most valuable exports: coal!

Christmas is also a busy time for the ghosts of the union. Ever since The Treaty of CoOoOopenhagen, the ghosts of the union have finally started pulling their weight around here. According to their collective labour agreement, ghosts who celebrated Christmas in life have the right to a day off, so they can haunt their families. However, not everyone in the union celebrates Christmas. For example, many of Europe’s ghosts celebrate Hanukkah, Chanukah, Ḥanukah, Chanuka, Hanuka, or the Festival of Lights. 

The most qualified of these ghosts get chosen for a special Christmas assignment. The pay would be double, if ghosts could use money. 

Here are four ghosts in London on Christmas Day. They are getting ready for work. Their job this evening is to haunt a cranky billionaire into paying his employees a living wage. It’s hard work, but very rewarding. Good luck, you four! The European Economy thanks you! 

At the EDHohoho, the European Department for Holidays, it’s time for the annual budget meeting. Aadi Abadie, Secretary of Christmas, is trying to protect her funding. Her colleague, Rosa Romano, secretary of All Other Winter Holidays, is arguing for a slight increase in her advertising budget. The negotiations are a metaphorical minefield. One wrong step and she will get accused of stealing Christmas. In the European Union, stealing Christmas is a crime punishable by death. Rosa Romano has no interest in becoming a Christmas ghost.

After four hours of negotiations, Rosa – secretary of All Other Winter Holidays – leaves the EDHohoho wearing a baseball cap. Oh dear. She has come away with 3% increase. In the Christmas budget! Well, you’ve done your best. Cheer up, Rosa! It’s Christmas! 

As Rosa arrives back home, her wealthy neighbour is being whisked away on a magical journey to a Christmas of his childhood. Look, cranky billionaire! It’s your long-dead father, milking the cows with horn-rimmed glasses! Enjoy it while you can, sir. Next Christmas, you’ll be living in a sensible flat in the suburbs, with your two cats and severe regrets about your brief moment of spontaneity. At least your employees will be grateful! 

Elsewhere, on the border between Germany, France, and Luxembourg, the people of Schengen are preparing for the new year. They will have to get creative. Fireworks were outlawed in the European Union after the Treaty of Enschede. Thankfully, the mayor of Schengen has a cousin in Belgium who can hook him up with the good stuff. As the vineyards of Schengen burn to the ground, the population gathered at the tripoint warms their hands and their hearts as they festively ring in a new year of the 21st century! 

On behalf of European Videos, I wish you a merry Christmas and a happy All Other Winter Holidays. As regretful billionaires all over the EU fertilise the economy of Europe, and the ashes of the grapevines fertilise the farmland of Schengen, so too will the Union revitalise its member states. If we ask our neighbourhood ghosts to help us learn from the past, we can all stride confidently into the future of the European Union!


End file.
